I don't even know where to start. There's so much on my mind that it's impossible to cover it all. I couldn't even make a list of everything. I feel as though I'm drowning in my own thoughts. My thoughts are taking control of me and I'm doing everything I can to take back that power but it's not working. When I'm alone my thoughts are just so depressing. Not "I want to kill myself" depressing, heavens no, but more like "I'm going to drag your emotions through hell and stretch every little problem you have until it's the size of the empire state building and you can't handle it and you need help because you're crying on the ground powerless, mwahaha."

Yeah, that's how I picture my mind right now. It hates me. But that's what my mind does. I see one little thing wrong and suddenly that one little thing has turned into this massive problem. I don't know why and I'm trying to stop myself from doing it but I don't notice I've done it until it's too late and I'm already drowning in it.

For example: I just got into the first argument with my boyfriend and he said he forgives me and he loves me and everything I needed to hear. But I can't let it go. I still feel really bad for arguing with him. And I don't know what will make me feel better. I know if I keep talking about it then I might start to annoy him (I know it'd annoy me) but I can't not talk about it. I need to get it off my chest. But I've said everything I can say. I've said I'm sorry. I've explained myself. We made up and forgave each other. Things should be perfectly fine again. But they're not. Now every time I get his texts I feel like he's just sending them because he feels obligated to. Like he doesn't want to talk to me but he feels like he needs to so I don't throw a hissy fit. And every time I send him a text I feel like I'm intruding on him. I don't know what to do about this. I know we just argued today so I'm not giving much of a cool down time, but I hate this feeling. I hate feeling like he just lost a bit of love for me. Because I know it's not true but the stupid depression I'm facing (yes, I have depression) is battling me. I don't know how to get rid of this feeling. Happiness just seems to be so far away.

And then everything else I'm going through isn't making things easier. I owe my parents $1200, my paycheck sucks, I'm moving in with my boyfriend, I'm going to have to start paying rent ($300 a month) and I have to pay other bills. I know, I know. "Oh you're moving on in your life, soooo scary" with that sarcastic voice everyone has. But yes, it is scary. I grew up sheltered. My parents had strict rules for me and I never went against them. Everything is changing for me and I'm scared. My entire life is changing. I have a new place to live. I have new bills. I'll be living with my boyfriend. I'm excited, believe me I am, but I'm also scared to death. I didn't grow up rich, but I didn't grow up poor. I didn't always get what I wanted but sometimes I did. And now I have to face the fact that if I want a certain brand of cereal, I may have to pay $1 more to get it. $1 may not seem like much but when you're going to college full time (paying for it yourself) and only working part-time, $1 is a lot. It adds up after a while. So I'm pretty sure you've already guessed the biggest stressor in my life. It's money. And I don't make a lot. I get around $300 every 2 weeks, sometimes less depending on how many hours they gave me. So that's not a lot. To pay my parents back, pay the bills, and pay rent? Plus pay anything extra I want, like that cereal that costs $1 more. It's a huge stressor and until I graduate college and get a good paying job, I'm always going to have that stressor. Even with a good paying job I'll still have that stressor, just maybe not so much.

And on top of that, my brother's girlfriend is in the hospital with fibromyalgia and she wants to kill herself. I'm not very close with my brother's girlfriend, or my brother for that matter, but that's a hard thing to go through. I'm miles away and I'm stressed out over it. My brother must be stressed beyond belief. I just wish I could do something. Because of my work schedule I can't go down for the weekend or anything. And because of school, I'm still busy on the days I could go down. I just wish I could be there for him and help him through it. I may be younger than him, we may not be close, but he's still my brother and I'd do anything for him. 

My life isn't the easiest right now. Though, it's not the hardest either. There's a lot of people with problems a lot worse than me. I should be grateful for what I have and I am most of the time, but I also take things for granted (that I don't deny). I just want to be happy again, that's all. I don't think that's too much to ask for. I hope tomorrow is better, because I don't want to remember today.