So I'm having a bit of difficulty right now. I'm missing my boyfriend and little things are starting to annoy me. For example, yesterday. Well months ago we planned to be together yesterday for these awesome fireworks that I really love and wanted to share with him. First off, a few days before he says he's not sure if he can come. His band is in this big contest and if they win they get to open up for another band or something like that, so they're working really hard. So he said he'd have to ask the guys if he could go. So I turned to him and told him if he was going to be worried about the band the entire night then he just shouldn't go with him because I want him to enjoy the time spent with me, not be preoccupied with the band on his mind. So he said fine and that he wouldn't go. That got me upset since we had made these plans quite a while ago, and believe me it was at least 3 months in advance. So then the night or so before he talked to his guys about it and they said he could go so he went with me. I was really excited about that. Now I love these fireworks. We get to be 50 feet away from where they're launching them off and dodging the debris that's falling out of the sky and everything else. Really awesome and special to me. Well...when the fireworks are going off, I look over at my boyfriend to see him texting. He couldn't wait until after the fireworks were over, he had to text during it. I got annoyed and moved away from him. And then when the fireworks were over he immediately wanted to leave and when I said we weren't leaving right away then he kind of got annoyed with me. So I walked away from him and I just wanted to stay away from him. It's really stupid and that was supposed to be our night but he had to bring the band into it somehow. 

I'm just so tired of the band right now. Do I want him to quit the band? No. I like the band, the guys are really cool. I just want to be more important than the band. He says he sees marrying me and everything else, but what guy would put the band in front of his supposed "love of his life" by cancelling on her, shorting plans with her, texting his band mates while with her? It's just...annoying and inconsiderate to me. Sometimes I wish I just didn't care.

This is Regnaleb signing off.

There are some things I can live with and others I cannot. One thing that really irks me is when people cancel plans on you so they can do something else. Well...excuse me for making plans with you a week in advance. I guess I'll just have to assume that no matter what plans I make and no matter how early I make them, other peoples little interests will be more important to them than I am. Now, I get that sometimes things come up unexpectedly and you have to cancel but um...you could at least try to juggle things around, especially if someone made plans with you a week or more in advance? If something serious happens like an injury or a death, or anything like that, then plans are definitely canceled. But canceling plans so you can do something you want to do...that's a little messed up.

You may want to know why I'm a little peeved right now and I'll tell you. I love my boyfriend very much. He's the most important thing in my life. If he wanted to move to Alaska, I would move with him without hesitation. Well we had plans for tomorrow morning before I go to work. We made these plans the day I moved out, Monday. So it was almost a week in advance. Well he tells me not even an hour ago, just before midnight, that he might not be coming. Um...excuse me? Why? His excuse: I have to make tee shirts for our band. Now, his band is amazing and I love them a lot. They're cool guys and their music is great. But um...we no longer live together and you're canceling plans with your girlfriend who you haven't seen, or heard her voice, since Tuesday? I know I'm not the most stable person, but my psychology is a little bit different than most people and if I explain it correctly then it'll make sense as to why I'm feeling this way.

1. We made plans days before to hang out before I went to work. Throughout the week we talked about what we would do on Friday together and how it'd be so much fun. We talked about how we missed each other and how I wanted to see him and etc. 

2. I'm his girlfriend. We've been going out for almost a year, we both agree that we're "the one" for each other and that we're going to get married eventually whenever we have the money. We imagine ourselves with kids, we talk about having kids, naming the kids, how we'll raise them and so on. We talk about being old together. Now when I do this, I know he is the most important thing in my life and I would do anything for him.

3. He canceled plans with me...for his band. If I'm supposed to be his future wife, mother of his children, old lady sitting in the rocking chair beside him...you think I'd be the most important thing in his life. If I was, then maybe the band thing could wait until after we're done hanging out, especially since we'd only be hanging out for two hours anyways. TWO HOURS. He can't give me two hours but he can give his band two hours when he sees them two and a half hours three times a week. 

Maybe it's just me, but being separated from my boyfriend isn't easy and it feels like he doesn't care. It feels like it doesn't matter to him that we don't live together anymore and that he can do anything he wants because he has that "freedom" now. I don't know. I just don't want to be the only one keeping this relationship together by forcing us to see each other and keep plans. I know this is the first incident this has happened, but shit, I have a lot to do too and I'm willing to give up a lot just to see him. When we didn't live together before I gave up hours of sleep, I gave up money, I gave up time with friends and family, just so I could see him. I don't want to give up everything when he doesn't give up anything. I know this is a very one-sided argument but I had to vent. It sparked a fear in me and I had to let it out. It just doesn't seem fair and I don't know how to address this. Damn my poor communication skills...

This is Regnaleb signing off.

I'm alive!! I know, my first six posts were very depressing and some people were probably thinking after the last one "Oh god, she killed herself." If you thought that...you were wrong! I got through it, just like I hoped I would. Life is going to continue being hectic, but that's life and I have to accept it. I moved back in with my parents to save up money for a bed and a deposit on an apartment so my boyfriend and I can move back out into our own official apartment. I'm excited about that, I'm just not happy about the fact that I won't be seeing him every day like I've been used to for the passed 4 months. College has started back up again and I'll be busy with that, so I'm sure the time will go by quickly.

I'm still going to therapy and it's helping me out step by step. I'm starting to understand why I feel certain ways and just knowing why helps a lot, it gives me an answer and something to give a name. I'm not sure why but naming an issue is sometimes something that helps a lot. Plus, my therapist and I have been working on ways that I can stop a down slide of emotions happening. Just the other day I successfully used it on something that I've always failed at. I was missing my boyfriend and I was looking at old pictures of him on facebook. Well I came across one with him and his ex, and they looked happy together and I got really upset because he just looked so happy and we didn't have quirky photos like that. So I started to go downhill and get all upset, but I stopped myself. I said, "Hey, that is his ex. His EX-girlfriend, meaning she is not important anymore. YOU are his girlfriend now and you mean everything to him. Those are just old memories just like how you have old pictures with your exes. It's fine. He was happy at one time with her but they did break up and he's with you now and never wants to break up. So calm down and don't worry about the pictures. Plus, you'll have a lifetime to get some funny photos with him." And just talking straight to myself, it did so much work. It made me feel a whole lot better. Thank you therapy!

I was actually thinking about becoming a guest speaker in my local community on abuse. I would cover relationship abuse, random abuse, incest abuse, etc. Of course I would research the hell out of this stuff but as an abuse victim, I think I would stand as like...a beacon of hope. I would really love to have victims look up at me and see a successful, young, beautiful woman, who is a published author, attending college, has a job, and is in a stable relationship but is a victim of abuse and doesn't let it define who she is. That would be something I would desperately love to do. I'm not sure how effective I would be, but when I was younger, if I knew someone who had been abused and known that they'd gotten through it then I wouldn't have felt so alone and I would've known that I was going to make it through. I'll have to look into it, I'd really love to share my experience with the world even if it means only helping one person. I heard this somewhere and I cannot remember where but it spoke to me and I'd like to share it: "If I can help one person then I know life was worth living." A poem that goes with this theme is Emily Dickinson's "If I can stop,"

If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.

So I ask to everyone, try to help someone even if they don't ask for it. Pride and the feeling of worthlessness can both stop people from asking for help. But don't let someone suffer alone in the dark, it's the scariest thing in the world. Thank you.

This is Regnaleb signing off.

So I'm lost right now. I don't know what to do. Everything seems to make me unhappy. Everyone seems to lack the ability to even put a small smile on my lips. I'm really starting to scare myself. I went down this path before and I don't want to do it again. Last time I got suicidal thoughts, I'm trying my best to not think like that. But how am I supposed to 100% stop those thoughts when I'm doing everything to try and make myself happy, to try and make people believe I'm happy? I'm already seeing a therapist. She says I have mild manic depressive episodes, which in other words is I have bipolar episodes. Not exactly the thing I wanted to hear. I know what people think of bipolar people. They're scared of them. They're timid around them. They watch what they say. They lie a lot to them. They never trust them. In other words, almost everyone excludes bipolars. How am I supposed to accept that? If that's how people are going to look at me, how am I supposed to be okay with that? I don't want to be bipolar. It's not like I'm choosing to be a crazy person. But people are going to criticize me anyways because of it. I already hate that I was abuse, now without even meaning to I've made room for me to hate my bipolar episodes. I'm going to drive everyone away. I'm scared that sooner or later I'll be alone and I just won't be able to take it anymore.Why does everything bad happen to me? I don't understand what I did to deserve this. I'm always going to be an outcast now. No one is going to want to be around me. I just don't know what to do anymore. Life seems so hard but I know suicide is definitely not the answer, nor are drugs or drinking or smoking. I've prided myself in staying clean. I just don't want to be alone and I feel like everyone is going to get tired of dealing with me that they'll all leave. That's all I've ever known. I'm hoping, wishing, praying that my belief in my boyfriend is right. That he'll never leave me because he loves me. I'm really hoping, because maybe I just need that one person I know for sure will always be there for me who aren't my parents. I don't know. I'm just lost. I'll update some other time.

So how do you start a conversation that you know will end up with one of you being upset? I want to talk to my boyfriend about something, I really do, but I know it'll end up with one of us being upset/angry at the other. I just want to talk about it but I can't. I'm too scared to bring it up. But it's going to bug me until I do. I don't want to keep brushing it under the rug, I want to feel like I can openly talk to him about anything without the fear of him leaving me. But I can't. I'm always going to have that fear because that's all I've ever known. So I don't know what to do. Right now it's not a big deal, but I'm sure in a few days there will be another blog about me venting about all this. So yeah. I don't know. I'm going to therapy and everything but I'm not sure if that'll help with this. I've always been scared to share things with my boyfriends. I'm scared to ask them questions. I'm terrified of losing them. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm lost. 

So this thought keeps buzzing around my mind and I need to write it down to get it out. Hopefully that'll help. Is it stupid to lose trust in someone just because they lied to you about a petty little thing? I don't know, my feelings are mixed. I want to trust this person but I don't at the same time. My good side says that it was just a small thing and I should forget about it, I should move on. But my cautious side says if they lie to my face about something so insignificant then what else are they lying to me about? I'm not sure what to believe. I've always tried to see the best in someone, I try to give them the benefit of the doubt. I've given many people more than a second chance, but I'm always the one who ends up being hurt. Maybe this is a new defense mechanism or something, I'm not sure. But I don't know what to think. The lie was small and stupid. She said she doesn't have access to facebook. I believed her. But her facebook is so active with new friends, posting/replying to people on their walls, sharing photos, etc. So it seems obvious that she does have access to facebook. See, it's a little lie but it's almost insulting. If she believes I wouldn't figure this lie out, then she must believe I'm stupid? At least I think that's what my cautious side is saying underneath everything. But my good side wants to give her the benefit of the doubt, I want to see the good in her. However, I think my cautious side is winning. I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to be that bitch that avoids someone just because they lied a little lie, but I also don't want to be that person who is oblivious to everything and makes myself see the good in a person where there may not be so much good in their actions. If that makes any sense. I'm confused. I just don't know what to do or what to believe. It's a never ending battle I suppose. Sooner or later, one side will win.

So I've moved into the new place with my boyfriend and the roommates. I'm not exactly...happy. But I think that's because I'm really homesick. The longest I've ever been away from home has been a week, and now things are just making me sad because I'm not home. Whenever I go back to the house, I don't get this feeling that it's my home and I just really miss that feeling. I want my home back. I want to feel safe. I want to be able to shut myself in my room and know that it's alright. I want to be able to laze around without people being skeptical about me. I just want my home back.

My emotions have been chaotic though because of all the stress of a new house, new people, new everything. I've given up everything. I don't really eat anymore. I eat breakfast and at work and that's it. My parents are worried about me. They say I can't afford to lose any weight. I'm not underweight now, but I have kidney problems so we're all worried about that. I just wish I could be normal again. I don't feel happy, I just feel angry and sad. I dunno, maybe it'll be ok.

Also, on another note, I don't know how to talk to my boyfriend about stuff that won't change. Like...if he does something and I don't like it, I don't know how to talk about it because it's just what he does and it's not going to change. An exact example is he's friends with a girl I used to be friends with. Well...I wasn't really buddy buddy with her but whatever. But they have the same type of humor. And I'm scared that he'll fall for her while I'm in this unhappy state of being homesick. I don't trust her, she's lied straight to my face so I don't believe anything she ever says. I just...I don't know how to tell my boyfriend this. I usually can tell him anything, but I don't want him to stop being friends with someone. I just wish I could figure shit out because I don't trust her and I don't even want to be near her...but she's going to be here and alone with my boyfriend because I'll be working. I'm scared...and I don't know what to do.

Apparently I can't do anything right because whenever I try it just makes things worse. Maybe it's because I'm wicked stressed out. Or maybe it's because I have too much on my mind. Or maybe it's because my entire life is changing. Or something else. Or a combination of all four. I don't know what it is. But whatever it is is destroying my life. I'm finding it hard to smile again. I find that my temper is much shorter and I can get upset very easily. Not just angry upset, but sad upset too. I don't know what to do. Me and my boyfriend never used to fight and now in one week we've had two fights. I don't know how to handle fights. I doubt anyone does. But I don't know how to move on from fights. It's always been end a fight is to just walk away and bury it under the rug. But I've done that before and it just makes every fight worse because everything under the rug keeps piling up until it spills out. I'm used to yelling and being cussed at. I'm used to being in fear that my relationship will end after every fight. And I still have that fear. I trust my boyfriend with everything I have and I love him more than I've ever loved someone. I know he's the one, I know it. But I still have that fear and it won't go away. And I don't want to tell him because he might think I'm not confident in us working and that I want to end it. But I don't. That's the exact opposite. I want it to keep going, I do. I just don't know how to handle fights.

I move tomorrow so my entire life is literally changing. I have a new place to get used to, not only including the place but also the things around it. I have no idea what shops are around or where anything is. All my friends and family are further away. Everything is further away and I'm scared. I feel like I'm giving everything up just to live with my boyfriend and maybe that's why I'm arguing with him. Maybe I want him to give up a little more so it can compare to the stress and pain I'm going through. That's a horrible thing to wish upon someone you love though. I can't wish pain upon him but I wish he could understand at least. I'm doing everything for him. I don't know how to do it myself.

I just wish I had more control over myself. I wish I could hold onto my temper. I wish I could word things better. I wish I didn't start arguments. I wish I could be better. I wish I could be a better girlfriend and I wish I could be a better person in general. I'm lost and I need help and I don't know who to ask to help me out. I feel like I'm losing everything and the only thing I can do is cry.

I don't even know where to start. There's so much on my mind that it's impossible to cover it all. I couldn't even make a list of everything. I feel as though I'm drowning in my own thoughts. My thoughts are taking control of me and I'm doing everything I can to take back that power but it's not working. When I'm alone my thoughts are just so depressing. Not "I want to kill myself" depressing, heavens no, but more like "I'm going to drag your emotions through hell and stretch every little problem you have until it's the size of the empire state building and you can't handle it and you need help because you're crying on the ground powerless, mwahaha."

Yeah, that's how I picture my mind right now. It hates me. But that's what my mind does. I see one little thing wrong and suddenly that one little thing has turned into this massive problem. I don't know why and I'm trying to stop myself from doing it but I don't notice I've done it until it's too late and I'm already drowning in it.

For example: I just got into the first argument with my boyfriend and he said he forgives me and he loves me and everything I needed to hear. But I can't let it go. I still feel really bad for arguing with him. And I don't know what will make me feel better. I know if I keep talking about it then I might start to annoy him (I know it'd annoy me) but I can't not talk about it. I need to get it off my chest. But I've said everything I can say. I've said I'm sorry. I've explained myself. We made up and forgave each other. Things should be perfectly fine again. But they're not. Now every time I get his texts I feel like he's just sending them because he feels obligated to. Like he doesn't want to talk to me but he feels like he needs to so I don't throw a hissy fit. And every time I send him a text I feel like I'm intruding on him. I don't know what to do about this. I know we just argued today so I'm not giving much of a cool down time, but I hate this feeling. I hate feeling like he just lost a bit of love for me. Because I know it's not true but the stupid depression I'm facing (yes, I have depression) is battling me. I don't know how to get rid of this feeling. Happiness just seems to be so far away.

And then everything else I'm going through isn't making things easier. I owe my parents $1200, my paycheck sucks, I'm moving in with my boyfriend, I'm going to have to start paying rent ($300 a month) and I have to pay other bills. I know, I know. "Oh you're moving on in your life, soooo scary" with that sarcastic voice everyone has. But yes, it is scary. I grew up sheltered. My parents had strict rules for me and I never went against them. Everything is changing for me and I'm scared. My entire life is changing. I have a new place to live. I have new bills. I'll be living with my boyfriend. I'm excited, believe me I am, but I'm also scared to death. I didn't grow up rich, but I didn't grow up poor. I didn't always get what I wanted but sometimes I did. And now I have to face the fact that if I want a certain brand of cereal, I may have to pay $1 more to get it. $1 may not seem like much but when you're going to college full time (paying for it yourself) and only working part-time, $1 is a lot. It adds up after a while. So I'm pretty sure you've already guessed the biggest stressor in my life. It's money. And I don't make a lot. I get around $300 every 2 weeks, sometimes less depending on how many hours they gave me. So that's not a lot. To pay my parents back, pay the bills, and pay rent? Plus pay anything extra I want, like that cereal that costs $1 more. It's a huge stressor and until I graduate college and get a good paying job, I'm always going to have that stressor. Even with a good paying job I'll still have that stressor, just maybe not so much.

And on top of that, my brother's girlfriend is in the hospital with fibromyalgia and she wants to kill herself. I'm not very close with my brother's girlfriend, or my brother for that matter, but that's a hard thing to go through. I'm miles away and I'm stressed out over it. My brother must be stressed beyond belief. I just wish I could do something. Because of my work schedule I can't go down for the weekend or anything. And because of school, I'm still busy on the days I could go down. I just wish I could be there for him and help him through it. I may be younger than him, we may not be close, but he's still my brother and I'd do anything for him. 

My life isn't the easiest right now. Though, it's not the hardest either. There's a lot of people with problems a lot worse than me. I should be grateful for what I have and I am most of the time, but I also take things for granted (that I don't deny). I just want to be happy again, that's all. I don't think that's too much to ask for. I hope tomorrow is better, because I don't want to remember today.